They are: sadness, happiness, fear, disgust, anger, and surprise.
Hurt that does not find expression through tears may cause other organs to weep.
Sir William Osler
My understanding from a young age was that emotions were a weakness that humans must learn to contain and control in order to be worthy, reliable, strong and properly suited for life. This was reaffirmed when I left home and began my undergrad studies. I was studying a field predominantly filled by males. Many times jokes were made in class about females being overly emotional and unreliable as leaders. I remember once during a class discussion, a comment was made, “Can you imagine a female President during PMS?” Another snickered, “Lookout world”, more laughter, then, “better make sure they keep the nuclear button locked up once a month.” Although these comments were in jest, there has been an underlying belief within society that women are too emotional and therefore untrustworthy and incompetent. If a man shows emotion, he would be called a sissy or some other imposed feminine description. All of which, intended to be, demeaning and an expression of disapproval. Thankfully times are changing, but remnants of this belief system linger.
The truth is we are all emotional beings and that is what makes humanity so extraordinary and unique. Emotions are innate in all of us, not accidental and not meant to be problematic. So, why then do we go out of our way to avoid them? I regularly find myself encouraging people who have experienced traumatic events to let their feelings out. It is as if they need permission to express themselves. Sigmund Freud said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” We can see an example of this in the following cartoon.
The long-term effects suffered by suppressing emotions is far greater than the short-term discomfort from releasing them. Having the awareness that emotions are essential and beneficial to life and to relationships allows us better coping ability in life.
THE FOLLOWING ARE SOME WAYS EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION CAN BENEFIT US.
Self-Understanding – Awareness
Awareness of your inner self allows you to make decisions compatible with the true you. How many times have you reacted in a way that didn’t sit right with your spirit? Did you find yourself asking “Why did I say that or do that? It is so out of my character.” Recognizing and expressing your feelings to yourself allows you to choose a behavior that best suits you and your situation, eliciting the desired result. Being aware of and understanding what your triggers are can also be helpful in ensuring these results are met. If you sense someone is patronizing you that might set you off or if someone is being spiteful or petty that might be a trigger for you. But when you put that into your awareness, it better prepares you for success in future interactions.
The older I get, the more I find I really don’t like wasting time. Literally, the feeling that time is being wasted is a trigger for me. If I were to spend hours arguing with someone, what would really be accomplished? Who would win in that situation? Most likely no one. I am reminded of Jesus’ advice in the Sermon on the Mount, “Don’t throw your pearls to swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces.” Time might be better spent exploring where my feelings are coming from and understanding where the person I am speaking with is coming from. If my desired result is to help my friend realize that her actions hurt me, then maybe instead of attacking and accusing her, which would be a natural automatic response, I might start with expressing how I am feeling as a recipient of her actions. This will prevent her from putting up a wall; and hopefully will encourage her to open herself to my experience of her. This would be a much more effective use of my time and energy and would hopefully yield positive results. When you value yourself and your feelings they become like precious pearls. Don’t just toss them around carelessly, rather, thoughtfully and meaningfully express them.
Comfort and Tranquility
Comfort and Tranquility comes part and parcel when the expression of negative emotions is received with empathy and support. There’s an old Swedish motto that says: “Shared joy is double the joy. Shared sorrow is half the sorrow.” When someone “holds space” for us, we are allowed to just be ourselves. In turn, we feel safe, understood, seen and not alone. Maria Montessori states it well, “We all know the sense of comfort of which we are conscious when a good half of the floor space in a room is unencumbered; this seems to offer us the agreeable possibility of moving about freely.” Comfort and tranquility allows us to be more of ourselves in the world.
Lowers blood pressure and stress
Have you ever felt anxious or been so overwhelmed or full of emotion that it felt like you might explode or simply fall apart? That is stress on the body and can manifest in a variety of ways. In my younger years I had such intense stomach ulcers that I needed prescription medication to ease them. Over the years, because I learned to express my feelings, instead of burying them, I no longer suffer with ulcers. The experience of release and relief that comes from expressing feelings also lowers your blood pressure. This is a natural way to get healthy. But everything has a price. You can pay money for medication or you can pay with your courage to express yourself.
Improves Cognitive Processes
Expressing our emotions in a healthy way requires deep processing and organization of thought. The results are worth it, according to studies it will improve our perception, attention span, learning, memory, reasoning, and problem solving abilities.[1] In other words, when you express your feelings, you provide yourself with a clean slate. You make room, as mentioned in Maria Montessori’s quote, to retain information, to listen wholeheartedly, to think clearly and make better decisions and respond more effectively. You become a better student, a better leader, basically a better, more thought-full you.
Better Communication Skills
When we learn to express our emotions in a healthy, meaningful and therefore articulate way, it naturally improves our communication with others. People will be better able to relate with you and you them. You will become more empathic toward others and you will be able to give and receive constructive feedback without becoming defensive and shut off. You will become more emotionally accessible and approachable to others. When someone is unaware of their own emotional repression it can create a barrier to communication. For example, your boss is having a difficult day. He woke up to an angry wife attacking him for never being home, always leaving his dirty dishes on the table, and being completely preoccupied with work, leaving her to do everything by herself. On his way to work he is cut off by an impatient driver, and while swerving to avoid him, he drives over a sharp piece of metal on the side of road causing his tire to flatten. He arrives to work late. He is rude, disrespectful and demanding. He belittles you in front of the others on the team and then calls you out for not having your report ready for presentation. You can become defensive, you can become a victim or you can wait until time permits and express how his actions made you feel. On the other hand, your boss could have arrived late and went to a quiet place to collect himself. He could then have expressed to you and the team that he is having a very difficult morning and is not feeling his best and may need a little patience and support to accomplish the goals for the day. These are healthy examples of communicating by expressing your feelings.
Billy Sunday shares a story of a lady who once came to see him and tried to rationalize her angry outbursts. “There’s nothing wrong with losing my temper,” she said. “I blow up, and then it’s all over.” “So does a shotgun,” Sunday replied, “and look at the damage it leaves behind!”
When we appropriately express our feelings, we create space, understanding and an ability to be authentic and relatable. The alternative can be hurtful, damaging and can destroy relationships.
Provides Intimacy and Connection
There is a range of intimacy and connection found within family members, close friendships, and romantic relationships. Ultimately, your emotional expression will have either a negative or positive impact on these relationships. It only makes sense that you will share your emotions with people who care about you and want what is best for you. Expressing your emotions puts you in a vulnerable position, which is why we do not ‘air our dirty laundry’ with just anyone and everyone. We need to be wise with where, when and who we share our feelings. In the right context, expressing ourselves emotionally can add depth and intimacy to any relationship. It can turn a friend into a savior, a spouse into a lover and confidante, and a brother into a best friend. Whether you experience fulfilling relationships or superficial ones is completely up to you and your capacity for expression.
Just Wondering:
- Are you aware of your feelings most of the time?
- Do you have any triggers?
- What are you feeling right now?
- How do you express your feelings?
- List some healthy methods of emotional expression?
Chris Martin from Coldplay expresses himself through music, writing and talking it out. He is quoted as saying: “You’ve got to express yourself in life, its better out than in. What you reveal, you heal”.
[1] Klein, K. (2002). Stress, expressive writing, and working memory. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.